A short writing exercise. Dialogue from the male point of view. From Write on Edge
She could hear the clomping of his sneakers running up the wooden front steps. The door opening and slamming shut. A big burst of wind and energy entering the house.
He runs down the hall towards the stairway leading downstairs. Towards his bedroom. His safe haven.
“Hi Hon” she shouts, excited he’s home. He makes her smile. ”How was your day?”
“Good. Fine. Why are you always asking so making questions?” He frowns looking up at her from the half way mark.
“Kristian please use some manners. I’m just asking you about your day”
“Okay, okay. It was good.” He pulls up a big insincere smile on his face. “I’m hungry. Can I have some spicy noodles now? Okay thanks. Bring them down to my room all right? Thanks bye.”
He turns. He’s gone.
He hopes she won’t ask about who he talks to on the phone all the time. He really hopes she won’t bring up the curfew thing again. He hopes she won’t follow him to his room.
But she does.
“Look Kristian, I know you’re tired and hungry but I’m not the maid. Come on up to the kitchen. I’ll make the noodles and we can chat.”
“About what? he barks.
“About stuff, you know, stuff. You never say anything anymore and you don’t need to be rude.”
She can feel the tension rising. They words hanging on the cusp of an argument.
“Look why can’t you just be like everyone else’s Mom and just stop asking such dumb questions. No one else’s Mom asks them stuff like that. Just leave me alone. Oh, and don’t forget the noodles!” A flash of the previous insincere smile.
She sighs and backs off.
She heads upstairs wishing it was like it used to be when they would talk, laugh and cook together. When his gaze was filled with such admiration and love and being near him filled her with joy.
She makes the noodles and calls him to come get them. He arrives with a stupid grin, and an “I love you. I’m taking these down to my room now, okay. See yah!”
He catches her eye and wishes, just for a moment, he could stay and chat but it’s confusing. He loves her but she’s so eager.
I liked this, but it begins from the female perspective. The first word in the passage is she. You do bring it around to the son’s point of view and those paragraphs are very good. It would have been interesting to hear his thinking as he entered the house, as he listened to his mother reprimand him for his manners, as she walked away to make the noodles. I think you did a good job, I just wish you would have kept it strictly from the son’s POV.
You know that just dawned on me ~ you are so right. I’m just new at this and this topic is the one I need the most practice with. I think I’ll try a re-write for tomorrow. I sincerely appreciate the comment. You are so right! Thanks for reading.:)
Overall, I think you got some of the main details for writing from a male POV – particularly a teenage male. I work with teenage males for my job and these are some of the comments they frequently have. I agree that this piece would be even stronger if you told it entirely from his POV. That would also give you a little more room to emphasize his thoughts and motivations more as well.
Thanks! I am loving the constructive criticism! I’m going to try again.
I think you have some great beginnings for a conversation with a teen boy but as pointed out its almost entirely from mom’s perspective.
A little trick is to read it aloud to see if it is in his POV. You can also change all the he’s to I as you read it aloud to see if it makes sense and that you have stuck with his POV
Thanks! I appreciate all the feedback & like I said, will be trying a re-write tomorrow. I got stuck on the word dialogue and lost my perspective on the POV
I see from previous comments that you’re going to try a rewrite, and I’m impressed!
I like the way you tried to really get into his head, and I think with some help from the suggestions above you’re not too far from getting this fully into his POV. Thanks for linking up and for being so enthusiastic in response to your feedback!
Why thank you. How else will I ever learn?!